Iscariot
a songfic by mistybird before eagletalon and nightfur were friends, an unequal relationship in which eagletalon dominates. a murder, a betrayal. a sad lover, left alone forever. ISCARIOT OA WALK THE MOON Until now, I knew this of myself ''That if you had thrown yourself down ''Into the lion's den ''My brother I'd follow you in I was loyal. Wasn’t that what cats wanted? To have someone who whole-heartedly loves them and values them? To sacrifice themselves when times were tough, and to help when they were stuck? He clouded my mind with false views of my Clan, my friends, my own family. I was whole-heartedly devoted and obsessed, but that was thrown away the instant his plan was complete. I didn’t know he was bad- well, that isn’t true. In the deepest, most hidden corners of my mind – the one part of me that was still whole– I knew. If he had been exiled instead, I would’ve gone with him. The relationship was unbalanced, Eagletalon dominated me and I followed. We were best friends since kithood, when he took a liking to protecting me. Or maybe he took a liking to feeling better than somebody else. “Nightfur, we have had a tip-off from a reliable source you were the one who murdered Larksong.” Pondstar, our leader, was smart, was clever, was like me. With complete trust of his ‘better’ Clanmates. “It’s a lie. Whatever you’ve heard, it’s a lie. I swear to you, it’s a lie.” That was the instant I knew. In my head, something clicked. I’d been betrayed by my own best friend. Or maybe to Eagletalon, was I his slave? “Nightfur, pleading doesn’t help. Maybe if you admit we won’t kill you to avenge her.” They were in love, Larksong and Pondstar, and Pondstar would trust Eagletalon with his life. Pondstar and I, trusting him blindly, living a lie. Maybe the even the worst of cats, like me, are alike the best in the worst of ways. “You don’t kill, you exile! Killing is against the warrior code!” “You filthy little hypocrite,” he breathes. The silence is intense, broken only by my own heartbeat pounding in my ears. “If you didn’t kill her,” he says, standing up suddenly, “Who did?” In the pivotal moment where I needed to be able to stand up for myself, and defy Eagletalon– I knew it was him who had done it. He had become the new deputy, which was all he wanted. To feel important. Disgusting. My courage failed, and I stayed silent. “That’s what I thought,” he hissed. “Exile ceremony tonight, you’ll be kept in here.” Pondstar walked away, and that was the end of my chances. I was too weak to escape. I hated– excuse me, hate, myself. ''Perhaps I lack some foresight (should have known) ''But brother you were so right ''Sure as the setting sun ''You can't trust just anyone Is this confusing you? It’s confusing me, but it’s starting to come together, pieces of the puzzle. Even though I’m starting to understand, I can feel my sanity slowly dripping away. I’m talking to a figment of my imagination– you, for StarClan’s sake! I want to sob, to give up and die already because things are horrible. What’s worth living for? The best cat I ever knew is suddenly the worst and the most despicable thing I can imagine! “I hate life, I hate life, I hate life, I hate it…” I’m screaming, dropping to a whisper. I know my sanity is dying away and it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy because I believe it. Life goes so fast. “And if we catch you on our territory ever again, Nightfur, murderer of Larksong, we will not hesitate to kill you. You have until sunrise to get out of our territory. You may say goodbye to one cat. Do you have any words for the Clan?” They’re booing me, they hate me, even my friends. Eagletalon was right, they’d betray me as soon as they got the chance. That’s nobody’s fault but my own, I wasted their friendship, I threw them out, and I valued the cat who got me kicked out of the Clan more then them. “I’m happy I’m leaving,” I said, choosing my words carefully, “I didn’t kill Larksong, but living in a Clan that will blame an innocent soul because it doesn’t know who to trust doesn’t suit me. I know who murdered her now, and I hope he gets what he deserves. My former friends, I’m sorry I left you for Eagletalon. Please, avenge me, carry out what’s right. I’m not telling you because you wouldn’t believe me, and I want to watch Pondstar get his comeuppance for being blindly loyal by seeing his Clan in ruins. Goodbye.” I'm being escorted out, away from my home, by cats whose faces are blurred because of my tears– they can’t see it, I can’t let them, the ground looks very interesting today. Why am I talking to you? Why can’t I just let my insanity come quickly and quietly. I don’t want to suffer. I can feel it, I’ll be dying soon. ''That's what you want, but it's not what you're asking for ''I said that's what you're asking, but you're gonna get more than you bargained for ''I said that's what you had, but you don't have it any more ''You had it coming Revenge is the only option. The intoxicating brilliance of the idea sings to me, wheedling its way into my mind, and chipping away at my honor as it fills me with bloodlust. Please, please tell me. Am I crazy? Have I gone insane already? The rambling is horrible, I hate it, but soon it will be all I know, myself, revenge, Eagletalon and you, the beautiful, beautiful listener to my tale. I know Eagletalon would love to kill me, to erase any remaining evidence he killed her, sweet, sweet Larksong. He hated her. I hated her, because he was my… For lack of a better word, he was my leader. I would have to find him, to inflict as much pain into him as I could in my last moments of life, and how sweet would it be to die listening to the screams of my worst nightmare, my most horrible enemy? Help me, I’m dying. I’m wasting away, leaving a monster in my soul’s midst. He wants to kill me, to lure me in with his false words seeped in honey and nectar. He’ll never expect a fight, he’ll never realize my sanity has been dying away for days and days and days… His blood will seep into the ground, into my fur, and I will die victorious, free from him, and my mind restored. Isn’t this… Right? To have my revenge? Please, conscience, you’ve been dormant for so long, stay that way. He deserves this, for what he’s done to me, this slow torture of falling apart, for Larksong. For Pinestar. For anyone who loved her, and anyone who loved… me. I want to die, I want it to end, but I want him to suffer. I’m staying alive for him. Funny how that can be taken in different ways. I’m staying alive because I hate him, not because I love him. Right? Right. I’m not good at fighting, I’m not good at hunting, I’m useless. I’m starving. Tomorrow I will go, but for now, I will encase myself in the wonderful thing that is sleep. ---- “Don’t worry, Nightpelt! You’ll be fine! I’ll be the leader and you’ll be my deputy! We’ll have so much fun!” Empty promises, empty promises. The voice echoes around the clearing, booming into my soul. Empty promises, empty promises. I’m in a dream, I know it, but I can’t wake up. Larksong’s body flashes, blood splattered on my paws. Her face turns to Eagletalon’s, and with a racking sob, I wake up. Nothing makes sense. Sleep blankets me again. ''I never imagined you dead (I never) ''But tell me, are you even aware ''That all that we did, you undo? ''Iscariot, you fool Maybe it’s the stress of planning his torture getting to me– or maybe I truly am going crazy, but the next day I sink into memories again. Larksong, sweet Larksong. She was always willing to stand up for me, and I threw any kind of friendship away when he began to hate her because he wanted to be deputy. Am I too self-pitying? Is it a bad thing I regret every single decision I’ve ever made? “You’re too nice to everyone! YOU’RE SOFT!” Eagletalon had yowled, on that hunting patrol, when Larksong had tried to cheer me up after I missed a catch. He just snapped– I had a window into his instability at that moment, and I chose to ignore it. Regrets, regrets. “Eagletalon, I’m the deputy! Please show some respect!” Larksong replied, and I took a step back. “Respect? I’ll give you respect when you earn it. You’re an insult to your father’s memory.” Eagletalon snapped, and it went deadly quiet in the forest. Larksong’s father was a brave and powerful warrior, who had recently died in combat. Larksong had buried herself in Clan life to try and forget, and was wonderful to everyone to try and make up for anything her father had said and done. Unfortunately, we all have a dark side. Larksong’s was her father’s shadow. “You are a disgrace to what it means to be a warrior,” breathed Larksong, “To insult me because of him.” “You’re an idiot,” Eagletalon replied bluntly, “And I have the right to insult you for that.” Larksong suddenly walked closer to him, whisker-lengths away. “This argument will be never mentioned again. It is in the past.” But it wasn’t in the past. It was imprinted in Eagletalon, his reason for revenge. His lust to be the deputy suddenly had something to back itself by. Now, looking back on it, in the beginning, I think Eagletalon wanted a friend. That fell away– the layers of our friendship, and his false kindness– as he discovered his true personality. Was he aware that every single happy memory I had was slowly decomposing until I was nothing but sadness, anger, and regret? Oh, Eagletalon, you fool. ''That's what you want, but it's not what you're asking for ''I said that's what you're asking, but you're gonna get more than you bargained for ''I said that's what you had, but you don't have it any more ''You had it coming ''That's what you want, but it's not what you're asking for ''I said that's what you're asking, but you're gonna get more than you bargained for ''I said that's what you had, but you don't have it any more ''You had it coming ''Oh, you know you had it coming my friend, my friend ''You know you had it coming my brother, my brother ''Had it coming my friend, my friend ''You know you had it coming my brother, my brother ''Had it coming my friend, my friend ''You know you had it coming my brother, oh my brother ''Had it coming my friend, my friend ''You had it coming ''Oh, my brother ''Oh you know you had it coming my friend, my friend ''You know you had it coming my brother, my brother ''Had it coming my friend, my friend ''You know you had it coming my brother, brother, my brother ''Had it coming my friend, my friend ''You know you had it coming my brother, brother, my brother ''Had it coming my friend, my friend ''You had it coming.